The what ifs are absolute joy killers for me. God help me, I want to be able to take one day, one moment at a time. Will I ever get there? The constant anxious anticipation of wanting all the answers - now - it’s one of my biggest challenges. Why is it that I can’t just rest in the hope of all that is good and trust in the love and mercy of God in all that is bad? I want to get it right, make the right choices, choose the best road, create the best plan and strategy. God is constantly inviting me to let all that go and it is sooooo hard for me to do so. He asks me to just sit in the present moment, not to analyze it in order to figure out where it is leading or where it will end up, but just to be present to the present. To let it just be what it is. Not to fix it, but to live it - to savor it - to love it, even when it feels really really hard. Sooooooo hard. I keep trying to find the right formula for how to do this and there is none. Each moment is perfectly unique and calls me to see it through new eyes. My life experiences color my perspective, but that doesn’t mean I have the wisdom I need to live this moment fully. These past few years have taught me that depending on my own understanding significantly limits my responses to the present. But if I lean into that which I do NOT know instead, then the world opens up to new vistas, new horizons, new possibilities. Problem is it seems like when I finally climb up the new hill I have just newly discovered, another lies just beyond and I never seem to get to a destination. It is the art of enjoying the journey that I feel so unskilled at capturing on my life’s canvas.
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